So, I’m starting over again. Which is a position I’d rather not be in at the moment. I thought I had more time before I jumped into working for myself again. In other words, I was trying to avoid the actual “starting without a safety net” part. Unfortunately, we don’t always get to decide what happens to us.
Here’s the Sitch…
On Monday, I was let go from my job. Despite the fact that the company had just lost a big account (due to the client closing it’s doors). Despite the fact that this account was the biggest piece of my work. And despite the fact that the owners knew I was working to launch my own business back up–they knew and were fine with it–the laying off came as a complete surprise. I knew that they were going to discuss my position and how I could still contribute to the company. I thought I would be able to focus on managing the existing clients I had and maybe get to help out with something else. Which was fine with me. I wanted to keep working there and helping to build their business while I also worked on my own thing. But that’s not what happened and now I’m angry.
The Anger Monster
So, I’m angry. Not the easy kind of angry that happens when you’re frustrated with a situation and you get mad quickly and it just blows over like a quick summer rain storm. No, I am the crazy kind of angry. Seriously, if I didn’t have a modicum of self control, I would have done things that would have landed me in jail. That’s how angry I feel. But I’m not stupid. Just angry.
Most of the anger comes from the timing. It’s pretty shitty timing. My husband is still in school full-time and I am just now getting started with launching my local training workshops. I also don’t have the cushion (i.e. the big company that closed) that I had when I first went out on my own over two years ago. I also just got back from a small vacation where I (of course) spent money. So, in addition to being mostly broke, I’m effectively working without a safety net.
Out of Control
So, most of my anger comes from feeling like my life was suddenly out of control. Like I am riding in a car that has suddenly taken a nosedive off a cliff. And I’m also angry because they decided what was good for me. Part of the reason they let me go, was to “not hold me back from what I wanted to do”. Their words, not mine. I absolutely hate it when people decide something for me. Shouldn’t that be my job?
But the reality is that you will have things decided for you by other people all the time. And you are also never as “in control” as you thought.
It’s Not About Acceptance, It’s About Choice.
I’ve been through a few of these blows in the last five years of my life, and it never gets easier. That first blow always knocks me right on my ass, and I’m left reeling. But like Rocky, I have a choice to get back up. I have a choice to keep coming back for more, because the alternative is not an option. I must figure out how to feed my family and pay the rent, utilities and various other things. It’s not just an obligation, it’s my pleasure to do so. That doesn’t mean that I’m accepting the situation. In fact, by accepting, I think that’s just another form of surrender. You can disagree with me if you want. What I do believe is that we have a choice.
A choice to stand up and say “Fuck You” to the situation and refuse to stay down.
Does that mean that I’m not still angry? Nope. Not even close. I am still angry. I will probably be angry for quite a while about it. Don’t expect to hear “happiness” in my voice if I mention the situation in a face-to-face conversation.
Instead of stewing about the situation and how shitty it is, I’m going to focus on changing it.
They Say That Staying Positive…
They say that staying positive helps your outlook. For the most part, this is true. So here are the things that are awesome about my life. My husband offered to quit college (even though he’s getting ready to start his last year of his Master’s Degree) and get a job. Or my son, who wanted to stay home from school yesterday to cuddle with me, because he didn’t want to leave me alone. Or all the people at BNI-Business By Referral who are already trying to help me with suggestions and advice. You know who you are, and you are awesome! Or the guy, who I have never met (but who apparently recognized my name), who told me today that I was “beloved” and that he “read my blog”. Which is crazy, because my blog is tiny. Or my best friend who (upon hearing the news) reminded me of the margarita party that we have planned for Saturday. Cause, Alcohol! It’s the little things like that which keep me wanting to move forward.