On Letting Go, Moving Forward, and Whether There’s Life After Marriage

I’ve started and failed at writing this blog post over the last six months. Maybe that’s because I was trying to convey my emotions over the whole situation. The problem is, though, that my emotions from day to day (and sometimes even moment to moment) are all over the place. It’s getting better (mostly) but I’m still very raw. I guess the only thing to do is report the facts. That way, I can say something about it and get it off my chest. Maybe then I can stop thinking about it and be a little more productive with my life. I’m sure that’s asking too much of myself, but that’s what I do.

SIx months ago my Husband and I decided to separate. We decided at first to stay friends, and, maybe, even date a little if we felt like it. He was, after all, one of my best friends, and we still loved each other. That sort of went south right away, though. I underestimated how hard it was going to be to remain close to someone who I had shared my life with over the last 15 years, and who was suddenly, not there anymore. Before he officially moved out, I thought having him there was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure, but I was wrong. Trying to live my life without him around is.

So, is there life after marriage? Maybe. I’m not exactly sure yet. I mean, there’s life. I’m still alive, but at the moment it’s hard to tell what that life is going to be. I feel like I’m emerging from a deep hibernation. Coming out of the woods for the first time in months to see a shining world around me. It’s a little bright right now, and there are all these happy obnoxious birds tweeting in the trees. It’s beautiful, and not a little overwhelming. Sometimes I have to be the grumpy bear and go take another nap.

I’ve been trying to practice being more present. To see the beauty of the life around me, and of my own life instead of hiding as I tend to do. Sometimes I have to, though, in order to get through the day. I’m working through it slowly… It’s a process. One I don’t think I’ll be finished with any time soon.

The weird thing is that I’ve been able to keep up with a lot of stuff in my life. It’s odd the things I find hard to do now, and the things I find easy. Going to work every day: pretty easy (most of the time). Working on my other goals… well, that depends on the day. Pretty much anything that could change what my life is like seems to happen in fits and starts. If I’m honest it’s always been like that. It’s just more chaotic now. Maybe that’s because I can’t work on those things necause there’s already so much in my life that’s unknown.

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing this is to say that I’m still here. If I haven’t posted a blog in awhile it’s because I couldn’t. I certainly meant to, but there were (and still are) a lot of things happening with my life that I can’t put into words. I also want to say that I don’t know what any of this means going forward. I wish I did. I have plans. I have lots of plans. I guess the main thing right now is to just see how those plans fit in with my new life, and go from there.

What I know is that I will continue to try and move forward even when I fall, falter, or slip off the path. That’s the only way I know how to live.